No, I do not live in Utah, (not everyone in Utah has multiple wives). No, I am not a polygamist. I can barely stay out of trouble with one wife. Apparently, I am a glutton for punishment. Of course I have my “Main Wife” whom I have been married to forever. Then there is the “Work Wife” who has changed several times over the years, as they tend to come and go now and then (hopefully not because of me?). Last but not least the “Church Wife.”

It’s my own fault, I developed these relationships out of my need for constant support I guess. It’s nice to have someone that has your back at all times. Even though the second and third wives are purely platonic relationships, they seem to take on some of the same attributes of the main wife.  My recent scare with the heart and my new diet seems to have brought them together for a common cause They seem to have had an “Earl” conference to set new guidelines for you know who. Unfortunately, I wasn’t invited to the conference nor did I have a say in the order of business that was discussed. Apparently, it was deemed necessary for all of them to now watch over me with my diet and to jointly encourage added activities of exercise in the form of walking and or bicycling.

Having not been use to such scrutiny, I am somewhat rebelling and fighting them off. In my mind they are probably signing me up for “The Biggest Loser Show” to ship me off to take care of my problem. That problem being me and my displeasure with all things that make me sweat and scream from the pain after the years of inactivity.

Lately I’ve been going to bed earlier than the main wife. That’s when I think the wife texting begins. I’m sure they compare notes and then decide the appropriate punishment to be handed out the next day. I’ll bet they even do a Facebook Live connection. God forbid they ever find out about my million dollar life insurance policy. I’ll be a dead man for sure. Oh God I forgot they read this, I better run for the border and brush up on my Spanish.