Once again I have to admit that I haven’t been on here in a while. Like you didn’t notice. But as they say “Sometimes Life Gets In The Way.” I love writing even though I lack certain skills. Like writing a proper sentence with punctuation, grammar, just those few important things as my friend and adviser Gene would yell at me about! For me its getting my message out. I trust that you all will forgive me for not paying attention in I think 4th and 5th grades.

Back to my life…. Its been a challenge lately, or that matter its been a challenge for a year now. As I have mentioned before, I have a significant  other who is much more significant than I. A year ago they discovered an anuerisym between her eyes pressing on both optic nerves. In fact it was one of the largest ones that they have seen. They needed to do a crainiotomy (brain surgery) almost immediately. If that wasn’t enough a large mass was also found on her pancreas. The biopsy showed that the cells from the pancreas were pre-cancerous and we had some time but no one knew how much. For those of you that don’t know, once it turns to cancer in the pancreas you usually if your lucky have three months left. So a ticking bomb we were left with. She had to recover from cutting her skull open and the doctors removing the mass between her eyes and pressing on the optic nerves. Estimated time for recovery maybe 3-6 months is what they thought. This was after the 30 plus days in the hospital excuse me 2 hospitals then more weeks for complications in several other hospitals.

With no family nearby to help my life had been turned upside down. Yes I could call family on the phone but mainly that would make me relive the experience over and over again as I would have to explain everything again and again. I love my family dearly but they do have their life to live and I certainly did not want to be a burden to them. When they could listen to me I did appreciate it and its good to have a shoulder to cry on.

What makes this even more difficult is that my wife for some unknown reason is allergic to almost all pain killers out there except Delauded or Fentonyl. Both of which are about the strongest ones out there so when and if she takes them she doesn’t know where she is, may not know who I am and may have bad dreams and or visions or is lethargic and can’t do anything like physical therapy to help her get better. So if she doesn’t take them she shakes violently in pain like having the chills.

On top of the chemical allergies she also has many food allergies. Many of these allergies can stop her from breathing, give her hives, make her vomit immediately and continuously and many other symptoms.

Whats really amazing is that the brain surgery is nothing apparently compared to the surgery they had to do on the pancreas. That surgery is about a 10 hour process where almost every organ in your body is moved / pushed aside. It is considered one of the most riskiest surgeries that you can have and the potential complications afterward can even kill you or make it even more of a hell for you if you hadn’t been there already.

My day consists of getting grandma (my mother-in-law, she’s 86) up and dressed and give her breakfast. Then take care of the dogs and make sure she has everything she need for 10-12 hours till I come home. I then go to the hospital for an hour or so and make sure the staff hasn’t killed my wife. Then I go to work. I leave by 4:00pm and go back to the hospital and spend a few hours with her and hopefully see the surgeon and check on any updates. I then go home to make dinner for grandma and the dogs. Take the dogs out, do some laundry or cleaning if I can, go to bed and do it all again tomorrow.

We just passed six weeks of this routine and the woman I married still hasn’t come back to me and that’s the worst part. I don’t have anyone to talk to. (As I’m spilling my guts to you all here! Hopefully it will help) The problem is the not knowing. Not knowing when it will end, when it will be normal again. Or if it will be normal again. Will she still make it through this, if she doesn’t make it how will I cope, how will I take care of her mother. Everyone will say to me you take it one day at a time. For someone that always wants to know the outcome that doesn’t help. So I will stay stuck in my quandary and suffer through it. Forgive me my friends if I don’t call, or if I forget to, or I seen removed from the conversation / not paying attention I’m sorry. You see friends, I’m trying to find my way home. But home is where the heart is and mine is a little lost right now.